I posted a while back full of motivation to get off the couch, to look change in the face and do it. And I did, for about a month. I was on summer break. Justin was in school and I developed a schedule that allowed me to work out after Mr. Man went to sleep. Then I started working again, school started back up. And it all went out the window.
We have new kids in our classroom with new abilities that cause us to be on our toes all day long. At the end of the day some days, most days, I am exhausted. I LOVE these kids but finding a way to let it go at the end of the school day and not be drained all night has been difficult for me. But reality is, I am not trying. I am not trying to have a better schedule for myself. I am not trying to eat better, I am not trying to exercise. I am not trying, period.
There it is, I said it. I am not trying hard enough. I am not trying at all most days. I think about it at the end of the day and kick myself and tell myself "tomorrow I will." Then tomorrow happens and all the willpower goes out the window. Deep down I think I am scared of failing. What if I do all of this work and I get right back to where I am now? What if I fail? What am I gaining by not trying, I'm already failing my plan.
So tomorrow I return to the Endocrinologist to go over my progress. There isn't any. I can say that I've maintained where I've been at but that's not good enough. Its not even good. Its ridiculous. Here is hoping I can kick myself into gear and do something this time. Its time. I need to, I have to do it for myself. Nobody else can do it for me.
