Goodbye 2017 Hello 2018

Here we are at the end of 2017. I had so many plans for 2017 and Im not sure any of what I had hoped got accomplished but none-the-less, here I am.

2017 Started with the loss of my Grandma. As we close in on one year since losing her this next week, it still does not seem real. It still feels like the worst nightmare of my life and like she is just on vacation and hasn't come home yet. I have a hard time talking about her without being emotional. Watching my son grieve is one of the hardest things Ive had to try to hold myself together for. They say you die twice, the first time when your heart stops for the last time and the second when your name is no longer spoke of. I can promise as long as I live, her name will never go unmentioned.

Job wise, I resigned my position as a para at the High School because daycare was costing too much. I am still one of the Assistant Cheer Coaches and we competed in the first ever Kansas High School Athletic Association Cheerleading Competition and took 6th Place. I have been working as a para at Logan Elementary in the afternoons with 1st graders and boy do they keep me on my toes! I have also taken on working part-time at Barnes and Noble. I have only been there two weeks but so far I love it. It has made my weeks really crazy busy but after the holidays it should slow down.

I took on the really rewarding task of co-chairing the Topeka Community Walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I have met a handful of women who are just as passionate as I am about talking about suicide and how Talk Saves Lives. Our goal for this years walk was $4000 and we have surpassed $6000 as of this date (donations are still open until Dec. 31). That being said I have been asked to be a Board Member for the Greater Kansas American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Chapter and I have accepted. It has been such an honor to help but to be offered a Board Position is something I never even thought of. I am now looking at traveling to Charlotte North Carolina mid January to attend the National Leadership Conference. I am beyond excited for this opportunity.

 Justin is still with the same company just a different name, Sumner Group. He works mostly out of Kansas City but still travels anywhere from Columbia, Mo to Hays, KS. It definitely is a day to day job as to where he is headed. He is now on the IT side of things setting up networks instead of fixing the copy machines. (Its a lot of jargon I still dont follow but nod my head and smile at him).

Justin also took on the task of coaching Mini-Kickers Soccer at the Sunflower Soccer Association. The team had about ten, four year olds. He had the fun job of corralling them 3 at a time. If you remember the movie The Big Green, it was a lot like that. We were just thankful that at this age they didn't keep score and it was more about learning the skills. Owen very much loved playing however liked trying to be goalie so convincing him this league didn't have someone do that was hard.

Owen played soccer as mentioned above, he also took swim lessons and LOVES the water. He is such a fish and makes my heart happy. Hes loving preschool and is way ready for kindergarten so we are told. He has made lots of friends in his class since this is their second year together. 

We are finishing up remodeling our kitchen. Very much needed however has lasted to our faults way too long. New cabinets, moved the pantry, new floor. We are so close to being done, its ridiculous but someday we'll finish it. HA. No but really over the Christmas Break from school we will get it done.

So here's to a new year. New Beginnings. Slate clean, 365 new pages to write.

I will leave you with some of my favorite pictures to reflect on 2017.

This sums it up pretty well. Pointing them in the right direction, kid on the ground.

Grandma <3

Kitchen Remodel

Matching temporary arm casts. 

Huff-n-Puff

8.29.1936 My Grandma's birthday, we share our birthday.

Cousin Concert at Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

Topeka AFSP Walk Crew! (minus a few)

Jazz and Owen on our new kitchen floor

Owens cheesy school picture

 

Never The Same Again

Life as I knew it forever changed July 15, 2016. That was the day we were told the dreaded words that explained my Grandmas pain. That was the day I cried hysterically. That was the day I was officially pissed at a doctor who could have given us more time. August 1, 2016 we got a more definite answer for what we didn't want to hear. Stage 4 Endometrial Cancer. It was devastating. The next four months was a roller coaster of buying time and trying to make Grandma comfortable. In four short months her battle was over and the void opened.

It's been nine months. It seems like just yesterday. It doesn't seem real. How is it that last year at this time she was still helping watch my son.  How is it last year she was Grandma the Grandma that I could count on for anything. I should have asked more questions. I should have listened more. I should have spent more time. I should have done a lot more things. But we always had time. Time was ripped away from us. It doesn't seem real.

I thought losing my Great Grandma was hard when I was 16 and it was but I think I got through because I had my parents taking care of me and my friends to keep me busy. This has been by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. It is hardest to try to help my son through the grieving process. He spent so much time with her and I am eternally grateful for that.

All of my childhood memories have some piece of Grandma in them. My birthday, is her birthday. She was my neighbor. She was always there to play or talk. She volunteered at my elementary school. She made most of my Halloween costumes, she attended everything I ever had an assembly or concert for, she let me have friends over late at night to swim in the pool, she let me have friends stay the night in her camper, she always had cookies, she always had popsicles, she taught me how to oil paint, she taught me about family. She helped me when I was struggling in college, she helped me when I needed things made for my wedding, she helped me get to the hospital when my son was in the NICU and I couldn't drive, she helped  take care of my son when I needed someone, she watched my son once a week then twice a week then four days a week.

And then she was in pain.

I can remember being told. I can remember crying. I can remember not being able to breathe. This. was. not. happening. Not to Grandma. Not my Grandma. But it was. And it was awful.

Its was not like the commercials where you get treatment and get to go home and live a normal life. She was so sick. She was in so much pain. How could all these doctors that she had been calling and telling she was in pain not know something was wrong? How could they not see it on the scans? How could they tell us that something was abnormal but dismiss us to the next person? How can you just dismiss a patient competently telling you about pain as her being old?

I am so angry. It seems like a really bad dream. Like she is just on vacation. I have moments where I dont believe it is real and have to really stop my thoughts and remind myself it IS real. 

I am thankful for the time I was given with her. Thirty-one years wasn't enough. I needed more time. I miss her with everything that I am. If I can be a quarter of the woman she was, I will be lucky. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad but I dont know life without her. She was always a phone call away. What I would give to have her back for one more day.

Invisible Diseases

When you look at me do I appear sick? Do you see the disease that is my entire being? You see me and you see my weight. You assume I'm just lazy. That I just overeat. You assume that I'm doing nothing. You assume wrong. 

I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It is incurable. I was diagnosed when we were trying to get pregnant before Owen. PCOS causes fertility issues. It causes you to gain weight, be irritable, depressed, have adult acne, profuse sweating, hair loss, and it makes it so losing weight is really hard. So hard, that most of the time I don't even want to try because I dont see the point. But if I dont try then I am only letting PCOS take over. If I don't try, all of my symptoms that are currently placing me as pre-diabetic will then actually be diabetes. Now why cant I do something about it? 

Fear.
Fear of failing.

Fear of my effort not working even in the slightest. 

Fear of not meeting my goals. 

Fear. 

So how do I get past the fear to move forward to make a better me? I don't know. But I do know I need to figure it out. It has been six years since I found out I had PCOS. Six years. I get on health kicks where I eat better and I try but then I fizzle out and go back to my old ways. I think I'm overshooting everything. I'm looking at the whole picture. I want the end result so bad that because I can't see it immediately, I'm done.

Maybe I should back up, what is my goal in the first place? That is a pretty fabulous question that Im not sure how to answer at the moment. I've been telling myself that my goal is to lose weight. 100 lbs to be exact. But honestly more than a lower weight, I want to be healthy. So maybe my goal should be to eat healthier and exercise rather than loosing a certain number of pounds. I set goals for myself like "if I lose x amount of weight then I will get x" but obviously just telling myself this is not working.

So, that being said I am in the process of trying to fix the way Im going about this. I plan on writing out my goal so it is more concrete and maybe hanging it somewhere I can visually see it. I have to break the habit. Its going to take effort and I know it will be hard but I have to do it. Its already been six years and its going to last my whole life so why let it get worse?

I Am Not Trying

I posted a while back full of motivation to get off the couch, to look change in the face and do it. And I did, for about a month. I was on summer break. Justin was in school and I developed a schedule that allowed me to work out after Mr. Man went to sleep. Then I started working again, school started back up. And it all went out the window.

We have new kids in our classroom with new abilities that cause us to be on our toes all day long. At the end of the day some days, most days, I am exhausted. I LOVE these kids but finding a way to let it go at the end of the school day and not be drained all night has been difficult for me. But reality is, I am not trying. I am not trying to have a better schedule for myself. I am not trying to eat better, I am not trying to exercise. I am not trying, period.

There it is, I said it. I am not trying hard enough. I am not trying at all most days. I think about it at the end of the day and kick myself and tell myself "tomorrow I will." Then tomorrow happens and all the willpower goes out the window. Deep down I think I am scared of failing. What if I do all of this work and I get right back to where I am now? What if I fail? What am I gaining by not trying, I'm already failing my plan.

So tomorrow I return to the Endocrinologist to go over my progress. There isn't any. I can say that I've maintained where I've been at but that's not good enough. Its not even good. Its ridiculous. Here is hoping I can kick myself into gear and do something this time. Its time. I need to, I have to do it for myself. Nobody else can do it for me.

Causes that Matter

So I've always wanted to help, help anyone and everyone I can. Thats how I ended up in a helping field. When I discovered Human Services it was like it was designed for me. I have a hard time saying no when I get asked to help and my heart truly hurts when I can't. So if I can find a way to reach out and do my little part I will make it happen.

Being the person I am and knowing that funds from my personal account are limited I search for ways I can do something. I have found myself signing up for awareness walks and such lately and I wanted to share the causes that I am helping in hopes that maybe you can find it in your heart and budget to give just a little bit to one or a few of them. Anything helps.

Lace Up- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
I've signed up to participate in a virtual PCOS awareness walk called Lace Up. This walk takes place the entire month of September. I love the idea of the virtual 5K because I know I can do it since its on my own time. I signed up for the PCOS walk because I have PCOS. There is no cure but it can be managed with major lifestyle changes. I'll admit I'm struggling with it but I am doing it with baby steps. For my birthday I got a fitbit and I love it. I've been able to monitor my movement among other things and realize how much or how little I am active during the day. Its been a real eye opener and how little I am active some days. Gotta get up and move! If you'd like more information please visit the following link.
PCOS Awareness 1-in-10

Out of the Darkness Walk-American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
This is another virtual walk I've signed up for. This walk is taking place on Saturday, October 4, 2014. I have known those who have taken their lives by suicide and I know many who have been affected by suicide. This is a cause that I feel just needs more attention. It shouldn't be something we are ashamed to be associated with. With our help maybe one day suicide will not be something that happens. Please visit my fundraising page. My goal is small and attainable and also has my maiden name as I dont know how to change it since I originally signed up with them before I was married.
Out of the Darkness

Autism Speaks
This is an organization that I hold near and dear to my heart as I personally work with students who have autism. I truly would love to know what "causes" autism and be able to understand it more. The world of autism is so vast and we have so much to learn still. Autism Speaks is such a wonderful organization that reaches out to so many. I would love to see a business here in Topeka that solely focuses on providing intensive services to both children and adults with autism. I have signed up for this fundraiser walk also, anything helps. This walk is on Saturday, October 11, 2014 at Arrowhead Stadium in KC from 12-3 p.m.
KC Autism Speaks Walk

Step Up for Down Syndrome-Kansas City Down Syndrome Guild
This is a walk that I've participated with for the past several years (this would be our 4th year I think) Due to my previous involvement I choose to continue helping with this organization. This organization provides services all over to families who have family members with Down Syndrome. They are a wonderful resource and I wish I lived closer to the office to be more active with them. Our first year as a walk team we raised roughly $1500 and I was blown away. Unfortunately the interest in having a team has dwindled and so I will be there as a volunteer. I'll help any way I can. The wakl is on Sunday, October, 19 from 12-4p.m. at Arrowhead Stadium. If you are interested in donating to them please visit the following link.
Step Up for Down Syndrome

Overrun Ovarian Cancer
This one also hits home for me since I have PCOS I am at a higher risk for having ovarian cancer later on. So hopefully by kicking my butt into gear and keeping up with my doctors I will never hear those words. I am also doing this because my sister-in-law recently lost her Aunt to ovarian cancer and I want to support her thru this. So we'll be there together she'll be running, I'll most likely be walking but doing it together. Doesn't matter how you cross the finish line just cross it. This 5K is on Sunday, November 2, 2014 at 8:30 a.m. in Overland Park, KC. Heres the link for the walk information.
Overrun Ovarian Cancer

By all means do not feel like I am asking you all to donate but if you feel it in your heart to give, anything helps these organizations. I thank you in advance for any donation given. In the next 2 months I'm going to be busy being active. What are you doing?

Change is Hard.

I can't tell you how many times I've thought of writing this post. Today is the day, no more excuses. I've made plenty of excuses over the years and its time to stop making them.

In September of 2011 I was diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and pre-diabetes. At that point we were trying to get pregnant and my body was being weird so I went to the doctor. My doctor had me do some labs and that is when I was referred to an Endocrinologist and at that point I had no idea what an Endocrinologist even was. This began many more doctors appointments and new medications. All of this information was incredibly overwhelming. I bought a book to try to figure out what all of this meant and to learn about PCOS. I tried (excuse) to eat right, I tried (excuse) to exercise, I tried (excuse) to make a conscious effort to be better (excuse). The truth is I didn't try very hard at all. Then, I got pregnant. Everything I was trying (failing) to do to be healthier stopped. I stopped reading the book, I stopped thinking about PCOS and pre-diabetes. I guess because I was being monitored by my doctor for my pregnancy (excuse).

Then I fell into the life of Motherhood. I am on little man's schedule. I eat when I can during the day and then at night when I get "bored" I eat. Its easy to just sit on the couch at the end of the day because I didn't get to all day long. Its easy to eat all the junk when nobody is watching. Its easy to stay how I am and not make the effort to change because I need to. I keep telling myself that I will do it "tomorrow" that I have plenty of time to make the change. Do I? Do I have plenty of time? I don't want to miss out on life because I put it off until tomorrow. Now is the time.

The Endocrinologist has handed me all of the information I need to make changes, I just need to do it. She's given me a suggestion of calorie intake, and exercises to start with. Its already been a month and a half since I last saw her and I haven't done much of anything. Now, I am posting this to make it public (motivation) and I have no excuses but to get off the couch.

I started doing some minor exercises on my own at the beginning of July. Overall my goal to get healthy is to lose 80-90 lbs., no time frame to lose those pounds but that is the goal. I used to run 2 miles at ease, I truly did (do) love to run. I'll get back to it, I've downloaded a Couch25K app on my phone and once I get going with everything a little further I will begin that. My body is nowhere near being able to run right now (excuse? maybe but my knees can't take it right now).

So here it is. I'm putting it out there that I'm getting off the couch. I'm doing it for me, but I'm doing it for little man. Support is much appreciated. Its not going to be an easy journey but I know I can do it. One step at a time.

The First Year

Wow, where has time gone? My last post was before we had Mr. Man. I can honestly say this past year has flown by while we rode the most awesome ride of our lives and its only just beginning. I can not imagine life without our tiny human. He is everything and so much more than we could have ever dreamed.

On Thursday, May 9, 2013 we welcomed our 7lb 3oz 21 inch long bundle into the world at 9:30 a.m. via an emergency c-section. He was turned around backwards, umbilical chord wrapped around his neck twice and we lost him on the monitor. From the time I realized I was in labor to delivery it was a total of 5 hours. It all happened so quickly we couldn't truly think about what was happening at the time and before we knew it he squealed and everyone laughed, Justin and I cried and we were parents. His journey started off rough as he spent seven nights in the NICU and those seven nights were the most stressful, scary nights that we could have imagined. However, we are beyond blessed it was only seven days compared to other NICU families journeys.

This past year has been amazing. I can't believe I have a one year old. A toddler. He's walking and talking. He's doing simple puzzles and loves books. Loves everything that can spin and the American flag (my little patriotic boy). He's my Linus baby with his red blanket. Currently his favorite animal is a pig, loves squash, and being outside. I love watching him process things and trying to do something over and over until he figures it out. He's the best thing in the world. I love his laugh and seeing him smile. He's the cutest thing in the world and I know I'm bias but as his Mommy I don't care. He's going to grow up and do amazing things, I just know it.

Parenthood = your heart living outside of your body.