Invisible Diseases

When you look at me do I appear sick? Do you see the disease that is my entire being? You see me and you see my weight. You assume I'm just lazy. That I just overeat. You assume that I'm doing nothing. You assume wrong. 

I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It is incurable. I was diagnosed when we were trying to get pregnant before Owen. PCOS causes fertility issues. It causes you to gain weight, be irritable, depressed, have adult acne, profuse sweating, hair loss, and it makes it so losing weight is really hard. So hard, that most of the time I don't even want to try because I dont see the point. But if I dont try then I am only letting PCOS take over. If I don't try, all of my symptoms that are currently placing me as pre-diabetic will then actually be diabetes. Now why cant I do something about it? 

Fear.
Fear of failing.

Fear of my effort not working even in the slightest. 

Fear of not meeting my goals. 

Fear. 

So how do I get past the fear to move forward to make a better me? I don't know. But I do know I need to figure it out. It has been six years since I found out I had PCOS. Six years. I get on health kicks where I eat better and I try but then I fizzle out and go back to my old ways. I think I'm overshooting everything. I'm looking at the whole picture. I want the end result so bad that because I can't see it immediately, I'm done.

Maybe I should back up, what is my goal in the first place? That is a pretty fabulous question that Im not sure how to answer at the moment. I've been telling myself that my goal is to lose weight. 100 lbs to be exact. But honestly more than a lower weight, I want to be healthy. So maybe my goal should be to eat healthier and exercise rather than loosing a certain number of pounds. I set goals for myself like "if I lose x amount of weight then I will get x" but obviously just telling myself this is not working.

So, that being said I am in the process of trying to fix the way Im going about this. I plan on writing out my goal so it is more concrete and maybe hanging it somewhere I can visually see it. I have to break the habit. Its going to take effort and I know it will be hard but I have to do it. Its already been six years and its going to last my whole life so why let it get worse?