Goodbye 2017 Hello 2018

Here we are at the end of 2017. I had so many plans for 2017 and Im not sure any of what I had hoped got accomplished but none-the-less, here I am.

2017 Started with the loss of my Grandma. As we close in on one year since losing her this next week, it still does not seem real. It still feels like the worst nightmare of my life and like she is just on vacation and hasn't come home yet. I have a hard time talking about her without being emotional. Watching my son grieve is one of the hardest things Ive had to try to hold myself together for. They say you die twice, the first time when your heart stops for the last time and the second when your name is no longer spoke of. I can promise as long as I live, her name will never go unmentioned.

Job wise, I resigned my position as a para at the High School because daycare was costing too much. I am still one of the Assistant Cheer Coaches and we competed in the first ever Kansas High School Athletic Association Cheerleading Competition and took 6th Place. I have been working as a para at Logan Elementary in the afternoons with 1st graders and boy do they keep me on my toes! I have also taken on working part-time at Barnes and Noble. I have only been there two weeks but so far I love it. It has made my weeks really crazy busy but after the holidays it should slow down.

I took on the really rewarding task of co-chairing the Topeka Community Walk for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I have met a handful of women who are just as passionate as I am about talking about suicide and how Talk Saves Lives. Our goal for this years walk was $4000 and we have surpassed $6000 as of this date (donations are still open until Dec. 31). That being said I have been asked to be a Board Member for the Greater Kansas American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Chapter and I have accepted. It has been such an honor to help but to be offered a Board Position is something I never even thought of. I am now looking at traveling to Charlotte North Carolina mid January to attend the National Leadership Conference. I am beyond excited for this opportunity.

 Justin is still with the same company just a different name, Sumner Group. He works mostly out of Kansas City but still travels anywhere from Columbia, Mo to Hays, KS. It definitely is a day to day job as to where he is headed. He is now on the IT side of things setting up networks instead of fixing the copy machines. (Its a lot of jargon I still dont follow but nod my head and smile at him).

Justin also took on the task of coaching Mini-Kickers Soccer at the Sunflower Soccer Association. The team had about ten, four year olds. He had the fun job of corralling them 3 at a time. If you remember the movie The Big Green, it was a lot like that. We were just thankful that at this age they didn't keep score and it was more about learning the skills. Owen very much loved playing however liked trying to be goalie so convincing him this league didn't have someone do that was hard.

Owen played soccer as mentioned above, he also took swim lessons and LOVES the water. He is such a fish and makes my heart happy. Hes loving preschool and is way ready for kindergarten so we are told. He has made lots of friends in his class since this is their second year together. 

We are finishing up remodeling our kitchen. Very much needed however has lasted to our faults way too long. New cabinets, moved the pantry, new floor. We are so close to being done, its ridiculous but someday we'll finish it. HA. No but really over the Christmas Break from school we will get it done.

So here's to a new year. New Beginnings. Slate clean, 365 new pages to write.

I will leave you with some of my favorite pictures to reflect on 2017.

This sums it up pretty well. Pointing them in the right direction, kid on the ground.

Grandma <3

Kitchen Remodel

Matching temporary arm casts. 

Huff-n-Puff

8.29.1936 My Grandma's birthday, we share our birthday.

Cousin Concert at Tim McGraw and Faith Hill

Topeka AFSP Walk Crew! (minus a few)

Jazz and Owen on our new kitchen floor

Owens cheesy school picture

 

Never The Same Again

Life as I knew it forever changed July 15, 2016. That was the day we were told the dreaded words that explained my Grandmas pain. That was the day I cried hysterically. That was the day I was officially pissed at a doctor who could have given us more time. August 1, 2016 we got a more definite answer for what we didn't want to hear. Stage 4 Endometrial Cancer. It was devastating. The next four months was a roller coaster of buying time and trying to make Grandma comfortable. In four short months her battle was over and the void opened.

It's been nine months. It seems like just yesterday. It doesn't seem real. How is it that last year at this time she was still helping watch my son.  How is it last year she was Grandma the Grandma that I could count on for anything. I should have asked more questions. I should have listened more. I should have spent more time. I should have done a lot more things. But we always had time. Time was ripped away from us. It doesn't seem real.

I thought losing my Great Grandma was hard when I was 16 and it was but I think I got through because I had my parents taking care of me and my friends to keep me busy. This has been by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. It is hardest to try to help my son through the grieving process. He spent so much time with her and I am eternally grateful for that.

All of my childhood memories have some piece of Grandma in them. My birthday, is her birthday. She was my neighbor. She was always there to play or talk. She volunteered at my elementary school. She made most of my Halloween costumes, she attended everything I ever had an assembly or concert for, she let me have friends over late at night to swim in the pool, she let me have friends stay the night in her camper, she always had cookies, she always had popsicles, she taught me how to oil paint, she taught me about family. She helped me when I was struggling in college, she helped me when I needed things made for my wedding, she helped me get to the hospital when my son was in the NICU and I couldn't drive, she helped  take care of my son when I needed someone, she watched my son once a week then twice a week then four days a week.

And then she was in pain.

I can remember being told. I can remember crying. I can remember not being able to breathe. This. was. not. happening. Not to Grandma. Not my Grandma. But it was. And it was awful.

Its was not like the commercials where you get treatment and get to go home and live a normal life. She was so sick. She was in so much pain. How could all these doctors that she had been calling and telling she was in pain not know something was wrong? How could they not see it on the scans? How could they tell us that something was abnormal but dismiss us to the next person? How can you just dismiss a patient competently telling you about pain as her being old?

I am so angry. It seems like a really bad dream. Like she is just on vacation. I have moments where I dont believe it is real and have to really stop my thoughts and remind myself it IS real. 

I am thankful for the time I was given with her. Thirty-one years wasn't enough. I needed more time. I miss her with everything that I am. If I can be a quarter of the woman she was, I will be lucky. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad but I dont know life without her. She was always a phone call away. What I would give to have her back for one more day.

Invisible Diseases

When you look at me do I appear sick? Do you see the disease that is my entire being? You see me and you see my weight. You assume I'm just lazy. That I just overeat. You assume that I'm doing nothing. You assume wrong. 

I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It is incurable. I was diagnosed when we were trying to get pregnant before Owen. PCOS causes fertility issues. It causes you to gain weight, be irritable, depressed, have adult acne, profuse sweating, hair loss, and it makes it so losing weight is really hard. So hard, that most of the time I don't even want to try because I dont see the point. But if I dont try then I am only letting PCOS take over. If I don't try, all of my symptoms that are currently placing me as pre-diabetic will then actually be diabetes. Now why cant I do something about it? 

Fear.
Fear of failing.

Fear of my effort not working even in the slightest. 

Fear of not meeting my goals. 

Fear. 

So how do I get past the fear to move forward to make a better me? I don't know. But I do know I need to figure it out. It has been six years since I found out I had PCOS. Six years. I get on health kicks where I eat better and I try but then I fizzle out and go back to my old ways. I think I'm overshooting everything. I'm looking at the whole picture. I want the end result so bad that because I can't see it immediately, I'm done.

Maybe I should back up, what is my goal in the first place? That is a pretty fabulous question that Im not sure how to answer at the moment. I've been telling myself that my goal is to lose weight. 100 lbs to be exact. But honestly more than a lower weight, I want to be healthy. So maybe my goal should be to eat healthier and exercise rather than loosing a certain number of pounds. I set goals for myself like "if I lose x amount of weight then I will get x" but obviously just telling myself this is not working.

So, that being said I am in the process of trying to fix the way Im going about this. I plan on writing out my goal so it is more concrete and maybe hanging it somewhere I can visually see it. I have to break the habit. Its going to take effort and I know it will be hard but I have to do it. Its already been six years and its going to last my whole life so why let it get worse?