Never The Same Again

Life as I knew it forever changed July 15, 2016. That was the day we were told the dreaded words that explained my Grandmas pain. That was the day I cried hysterically. That was the day I was officially pissed at a doctor who could have given us more time. August 1, 2016 we got a more definite answer for what we didn't want to hear. Stage 4 Endometrial Cancer. It was devastating. The next four months was a roller coaster of buying time and trying to make Grandma comfortable. In four short months her battle was over and the void opened.

It's been nine months. It seems like just yesterday. It doesn't seem real. How is it that last year at this time she was still helping watch my son.  How is it last year she was Grandma the Grandma that I could count on for anything. I should have asked more questions. I should have listened more. I should have spent more time. I should have done a lot more things. But we always had time. Time was ripped away from us. It doesn't seem real.

I thought losing my Great Grandma was hard when I was 16 and it was but I think I got through because I had my parents taking care of me and my friends to keep me busy. This has been by far the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. It is hardest to try to help my son through the grieving process. He spent so much time with her and I am eternally grateful for that.

All of my childhood memories have some piece of Grandma in them. My birthday, is her birthday. She was my neighbor. She was always there to play or talk. She volunteered at my elementary school. She made most of my Halloween costumes, she attended everything I ever had an assembly or concert for, she let me have friends over late at night to swim in the pool, she let me have friends stay the night in her camper, she always had cookies, she always had popsicles, she taught me how to oil paint, she taught me about family. She helped me when I was struggling in college, she helped me when I needed things made for my wedding, she helped me get to the hospital when my son was in the NICU and I couldn't drive, she helped  take care of my son when I needed someone, she watched my son once a week then twice a week then four days a week.

And then she was in pain.

I can remember being told. I can remember crying. I can remember not being able to breathe. This. was. not. happening. Not to Grandma. Not my Grandma. But it was. And it was awful.

Its was not like the commercials where you get treatment and get to go home and live a normal life. She was so sick. She was in so much pain. How could all these doctors that she had been calling and telling she was in pain not know something was wrong? How could they not see it on the scans? How could they tell us that something was abnormal but dismiss us to the next person? How can you just dismiss a patient competently telling you about pain as her being old?

I am so angry. It seems like a really bad dream. Like she is just on vacation. I have moments where I dont believe it is real and have to really stop my thoughts and remind myself it IS real. 

I am thankful for the time I was given with her. Thirty-one years wasn't enough. I needed more time. I miss her with everything that I am. If I can be a quarter of the woman she was, I will be lucky. I know she wouldn't want me to be so sad but I dont know life without her. She was always a phone call away. What I would give to have her back for one more day.

Invisible Diseases

When you look at me do I appear sick? Do you see the disease that is my entire being? You see me and you see my weight. You assume I'm just lazy. That I just overeat. You assume that I'm doing nothing. You assume wrong. 

I have Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. It is incurable. I was diagnosed when we were trying to get pregnant before Owen. PCOS causes fertility issues. It causes you to gain weight, be irritable, depressed, have adult acne, profuse sweating, hair loss, and it makes it so losing weight is really hard. So hard, that most of the time I don't even want to try because I dont see the point. But if I dont try then I am only letting PCOS take over. If I don't try, all of my symptoms that are currently placing me as pre-diabetic will then actually be diabetes. Now why cant I do something about it? 

Fear.
Fear of failing.

Fear of my effort not working even in the slightest. 

Fear of not meeting my goals. 

Fear. 

So how do I get past the fear to move forward to make a better me? I don't know. But I do know I need to figure it out. It has been six years since I found out I had PCOS. Six years. I get on health kicks where I eat better and I try but then I fizzle out and go back to my old ways. I think I'm overshooting everything. I'm looking at the whole picture. I want the end result so bad that because I can't see it immediately, I'm done.

Maybe I should back up, what is my goal in the first place? That is a pretty fabulous question that Im not sure how to answer at the moment. I've been telling myself that my goal is to lose weight. 100 lbs to be exact. But honestly more than a lower weight, I want to be healthy. So maybe my goal should be to eat healthier and exercise rather than loosing a certain number of pounds. I set goals for myself like "if I lose x amount of weight then I will get x" but obviously just telling myself this is not working.

So, that being said I am in the process of trying to fix the way Im going about this. I plan on writing out my goal so it is more concrete and maybe hanging it somewhere I can visually see it. I have to break the habit. Its going to take effort and I know it will be hard but I have to do it. Its already been six years and its going to last my whole life so why let it get worse?

I Am Not Trying

I posted a while back full of motivation to get off the couch, to look change in the face and do it. And I did, for about a month. I was on summer break. Justin was in school and I developed a schedule that allowed me to work out after Mr. Man went to sleep. Then I started working again, school started back up. And it all went out the window.

We have new kids in our classroom with new abilities that cause us to be on our toes all day long. At the end of the day some days, most days, I am exhausted. I LOVE these kids but finding a way to let it go at the end of the school day and not be drained all night has been difficult for me. But reality is, I am not trying. I am not trying to have a better schedule for myself. I am not trying to eat better, I am not trying to exercise. I am not trying, period.

There it is, I said it. I am not trying hard enough. I am not trying at all most days. I think about it at the end of the day and kick myself and tell myself "tomorrow I will." Then tomorrow happens and all the willpower goes out the window. Deep down I think I am scared of failing. What if I do all of this work and I get right back to where I am now? What if I fail? What am I gaining by not trying, I'm already failing my plan.

So tomorrow I return to the Endocrinologist to go over my progress. There isn't any. I can say that I've maintained where I've been at but that's not good enough. Its not even good. Its ridiculous. Here is hoping I can kick myself into gear and do something this time. Its time. I need to, I have to do it for myself. Nobody else can do it for me.

Causes that Matter

So I've always wanted to help, help anyone and everyone I can. Thats how I ended up in a helping field. When I discovered Human Services it was like it was designed for me. I have a hard time saying no when I get asked to help and my heart truly hurts when I can't. So if I can find a way to reach out and do my little part I will make it happen.

Being the person I am and knowing that funds from my personal account are limited I search for ways I can do something. I have found myself signing up for awareness walks and such lately and I wanted to share the causes that I am helping in hopes that maybe you can find it in your heart and budget to give just a little bit to one or a few of them. Anything helps.

Lace Up- Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
I've signed up to participate in a virtual PCOS awareness walk called Lace Up. This walk takes place the entire month of September. I love the idea of the virtual 5K because I know I can do it since its on my own time. I signed up for the PCOS walk because I have PCOS. There is no cure but it can be managed with major lifestyle changes. I'll admit I'm struggling with it but I am doing it with baby steps. For my birthday I got a fitbit and I love it. I've been able to monitor my movement among other things and realize how much or how little I am active during the day. Its been a real eye opener and how little I am active some days. Gotta get up and move! If you'd like more information please visit the following link.
PCOS Awareness 1-in-10

Out of the Darkness Walk-American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
This is another virtual walk I've signed up for. This walk is taking place on Saturday, October 4, 2014. I have known those who have taken their lives by suicide and I know many who have been affected by suicide. This is a cause that I feel just needs more attention. It shouldn't be something we are ashamed to be associated with. With our help maybe one day suicide will not be something that happens. Please visit my fundraising page. My goal is small and attainable and also has my maiden name as I dont know how to change it since I originally signed up with them before I was married.
Out of the Darkness

Autism Speaks
This is an organization that I hold near and dear to my heart as I personally work with students who have autism. I truly would love to know what "causes" autism and be able to understand it more. The world of autism is so vast and we have so much to learn still. Autism Speaks is such a wonderful organization that reaches out to so many. I would love to see a business here in Topeka that solely focuses on providing intensive services to both children and adults with autism. I have signed up for this fundraiser walk also, anything helps. This walk is on Saturday, October 11, 2014 at Arrowhead Stadium in KC from 12-3 p.m.
KC Autism Speaks Walk

Step Up for Down Syndrome-Kansas City Down Syndrome Guild
This is a walk that I've participated with for the past several years (this would be our 4th year I think) Due to my previous involvement I choose to continue helping with this organization. This organization provides services all over to families who have family members with Down Syndrome. They are a wonderful resource and I wish I lived closer to the office to be more active with them. Our first year as a walk team we raised roughly $1500 and I was blown away. Unfortunately the interest in having a team has dwindled and so I will be there as a volunteer. I'll help any way I can. The wakl is on Sunday, October, 19 from 12-4p.m. at Arrowhead Stadium. If you are interested in donating to them please visit the following link.
Step Up for Down Syndrome

Overrun Ovarian Cancer
This one also hits home for me since I have PCOS I am at a higher risk for having ovarian cancer later on. So hopefully by kicking my butt into gear and keeping up with my doctors I will never hear those words. I am also doing this because my sister-in-law recently lost her Aunt to ovarian cancer and I want to support her thru this. So we'll be there together she'll be running, I'll most likely be walking but doing it together. Doesn't matter how you cross the finish line just cross it. This 5K is on Sunday, November 2, 2014 at 8:30 a.m. in Overland Park, KC. Heres the link for the walk information.
Overrun Ovarian Cancer

By all means do not feel like I am asking you all to donate but if you feel it in your heart to give, anything helps these organizations. I thank you in advance for any donation given. In the next 2 months I'm going to be busy being active. What are you doing?

Change is Hard.

I can't tell you how many times I've thought of writing this post. Today is the day, no more excuses. I've made plenty of excuses over the years and its time to stop making them.

In September of 2011 I was diagnosed with Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) and pre-diabetes. At that point we were trying to get pregnant and my body was being weird so I went to the doctor. My doctor had me do some labs and that is when I was referred to an Endocrinologist and at that point I had no idea what an Endocrinologist even was. This began many more doctors appointments and new medications. All of this information was incredibly overwhelming. I bought a book to try to figure out what all of this meant and to learn about PCOS. I tried (excuse) to eat right, I tried (excuse) to exercise, I tried (excuse) to make a conscious effort to be better (excuse). The truth is I didn't try very hard at all. Then, I got pregnant. Everything I was trying (failing) to do to be healthier stopped. I stopped reading the book, I stopped thinking about PCOS and pre-diabetes. I guess because I was being monitored by my doctor for my pregnancy (excuse).

Then I fell into the life of Motherhood. I am on little man's schedule. I eat when I can during the day and then at night when I get "bored" I eat. Its easy to just sit on the couch at the end of the day because I didn't get to all day long. Its easy to eat all the junk when nobody is watching. Its easy to stay how I am and not make the effort to change because I need to. I keep telling myself that I will do it "tomorrow" that I have plenty of time to make the change. Do I? Do I have plenty of time? I don't want to miss out on life because I put it off until tomorrow. Now is the time.

The Endocrinologist has handed me all of the information I need to make changes, I just need to do it. She's given me a suggestion of calorie intake, and exercises to start with. Its already been a month and a half since I last saw her and I haven't done much of anything. Now, I am posting this to make it public (motivation) and I have no excuses but to get off the couch.

I started doing some minor exercises on my own at the beginning of July. Overall my goal to get healthy is to lose 80-90 lbs., no time frame to lose those pounds but that is the goal. I used to run 2 miles at ease, I truly did (do) love to run. I'll get back to it, I've downloaded a Couch25K app on my phone and once I get going with everything a little further I will begin that. My body is nowhere near being able to run right now (excuse? maybe but my knees can't take it right now).

So here it is. I'm putting it out there that I'm getting off the couch. I'm doing it for me, but I'm doing it for little man. Support is much appreciated. Its not going to be an easy journey but I know I can do it. One step at a time.

The First Year

Wow, where has time gone? My last post was before we had Mr. Man. I can honestly say this past year has flown by while we rode the most awesome ride of our lives and its only just beginning. I can not imagine life without our tiny human. He is everything and so much more than we could have ever dreamed.

On Thursday, May 9, 2013 we welcomed our 7lb 3oz 21 inch long bundle into the world at 9:30 a.m. via an emergency c-section. He was turned around backwards, umbilical chord wrapped around his neck twice and we lost him on the monitor. From the time I realized I was in labor to delivery it was a total of 5 hours. It all happened so quickly we couldn't truly think about what was happening at the time and before we knew it he squealed and everyone laughed, Justin and I cried and we were parents. His journey started off rough as he spent seven nights in the NICU and those seven nights were the most stressful, scary nights that we could have imagined. However, we are beyond blessed it was only seven days compared to other NICU families journeys.

This past year has been amazing. I can't believe I have a one year old. A toddler. He's walking and talking. He's doing simple puzzles and loves books. Loves everything that can spin and the American flag (my little patriotic boy). He's my Linus baby with his red blanket. Currently his favorite animal is a pig, loves squash, and being outside. I love watching him process things and trying to do something over and over until he figures it out. He's the best thing in the world. I love his laugh and seeing him smile. He's the cutest thing in the world and I know I'm bias but as his Mommy I don't care. He's going to grow up and do amazing things, I just know it.

Parenthood = your heart living outside of your body.

The End of the Beginning.

We are quickly approaching the end of pregnancy. As of this week we are 34 weeks along. In the next 6 (or more) weeks we will meet our new little guy and start the journey of parenthood. I have been asked by many if Im ready, is anyone really ready for their life to change drastically to the unknown world that is parenting? So my answer is, as I ever will be! The nursery is ready for baby in the context of necessity. We need to hang up the pictures we purchased, move in the dresser to be used as the changing table and add the final touches of this and that. I have one more two-week doctors appointment before we begin the weekly appointments that near the end. So far all looks good. Today's appointment I measured 36 weeks not just 34 and my doctor said that we may have to have one more sonogram to determine the actual size of the baby. So again, sometime in the next 6 weeks we will meet our little one.

We have had 2 baby showers thrown for us with one more on April 7th. We have received lots of items and lots of love and support. The first of the showers was thrown by my aunt Judy and cousins, Katie and Anna, it was a small family shower. We received lots of onsies, blankets and toys. My Grandma made us some Wookie the Chew items. Big items we got at this shower were a swing from my Great Aunt Jane and a car seat/stroller combo from my Aunt and Cousins who threw the shower. Our second shower was thrown by friends in KC as a couples shower. Justin's parents, Tim and Marcia were able to attend as well as his sister, Miranda and cousins, Brooke and Drew. We asked that instead of cards that books be given and we knew we were in for a treat. We were given Star Wars books, Dr. Seuss and everything in between including a book about wolves that includes a big scary pop up of a wolf showing its teeth. Our next shower is a friends shower being thrown by Jessica and Ashley Corbin. Should be a good time :)

As for the job front and life outside of all things baby. Well, I am still working at the school as a special education para and I just took on a part time job from 3:30-5:30 p.m. at Manchester School for Young Children. I work in the "Blooms" room which is the preschool aged kiddos. I do love it, however in my current pregnant condition, do not keep up with them as I would like to be able to. I am no longer working with my kiddo in the home program, I am however looking for a new family to work with once baby is here and we get settled. However, since Kansas changed from Healthwave to Kan Care it has been a nightmare and I am still trying to get all my paperwork put in to be able to work with all three insurance companies but they are not being very helpful in the process nor are they friendly when needing assistance. I submitted payment for the last month I worked with my kiddo in February and it still has not been processed by the company that it needs to go thru due to unknown reasons. If it weren't a months worth of pay I would at this point just say to heck with it but lets be honest who doesn't need money right now? Justin's job changed as of notice on December 26th (thanks for waiting until after the holidays?) letting him know that as of January 1st his job was being terminated and that if he wished to continue working for the company he could move from being a technician to a floating sale representative. This move included a pay decrease and no commission as a floating position. Awesome. Between Justin's job change and my not working with the kiddo anymore we lost a good chunk of money monthly. This has created things to be very tight and has made us step back and think about necessities. Unfortunately on top of the job changes, my health insurance is not covering anything to do with prenatal care, or labor and delivery. Apparently if you have a single plan thru Blue Cross Blue Shield this will not be covered but yet they covered the infertility treatments and regular womens health visits. I take blame for not knowing this beforehand slightly but how do you cover infertility but not the actual pregnancy? So we are in the process (still) of trying to figure out the options we have. I can add the coverage to my plan for an additional $700 per month on top of what Im already paying, (hopefully you're laughing at that too) or we can add Justin to my single plan and it would then add the coverage needed, however, there is an 8 month waiting period from the time you apply to the time the coverage kicks in and you can not have the baby before the 8 months is up in order for it to cover, sooo that is out. Justin's insurance open enrollment window is not until June and for whatever reason you can't add a baby to your plan until open enrollment? So yay for insurance companies.

Anywho, I guess that sums up whats going on in our neck of the woods. Hope you all are doing well and can't wait to share the news of our little guys arrival!